What To Do When Your Imaginary Friend Is A Raging Asshole

We all have a friend or family member who “took to” religion while the rest of us ran from it screaming, our hair on fire.

You know, guys whose feeble “Hey, have ya heard the ‘good news’ and can I ‘give you my testimony’?” when they were newbies in the cult turned into full on Kenneth Copeland raging insanity?

Can we all please agree — Kenneth Copeland’s idea of “God” and anyone else’s have nothing to do with each other.

Hell, I bet Kenny Copeland’s idea of “God” and, say, Jerry Falwell, Jr’s idea of “God” don’t line up completely. Pick any televangelist you like — Jim Bakker, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Joel Osteen — and make them put down in black and white what “God” is to them. Put those “What God Is” statements all up against each other and — take it to the bank — the idea of “God” — what he is (he’s a he to these jackals — that’s a stone cold fact), what he wants, what he really thinks — there will be massive discrepancies.

That’s not because “God” is such a “big idea”. It’s no bigger an idea than “Harry Potter” or any other inspired human creation. It’s because each and every one of those “god-fearing men” doesn’t fear “God” in the least. Why would they — they think THEY are “God”. That’s the point.

Put that notion in your head and re-watch Kenny explain himself. That’s not a man “serving” a higher power, that’s a man who thinks HE’S the “higher power”. And that’s the problem. Schmucks like Kenneth Copeland and Jerry Falwell, Jr are as atheistic as I am. If they honestly believed in a Big Daddy In The Sky, they’d be way better at doing what that Big Daddy has clearly said are His Rules. But they don’t.

It’s not a coincidence that the ultra religious are the ones caught so often with their pants down. The man who sexually assaulted me twice when I was 14 was the religious director at my family’s synagogue. All religious environments are thick with bullshit because the character(s) on which it all rests is entirely fictional.

At the very least, the character is entirely subjective. Witness the incredible variety of denominations even within denominations. How can that be — if this God character is so real and so clear about what he wants? As Kenny Copeland can tell you — God IS clear about what he wants. Kenny says God wants everyone to do what Kenny says. To tithe until it hurts to Kenny. To make Kenny even richer than he already is — and Kenny’s the richest preacher on the planet outside of the Pope.

All across the south — in Florida certainly — churches held services despite the warnings that those services would endanger everyone attending them AND anyone else they now come into contact with. They did this because the churches all insisted that THAT was what “God” wanted.

Really? Whose God? Oh, right — THEIRS.

And why would a religious person make it seem like their deity is a raging asshole — who doesn’t care about science or facts and doesn’t care if every person they know gets infected with coronavirus?

Say it with me, class: because THEY are a raging asshole. And their deity is just a little piece of them on display.

Show Me A Person Who Claims To “Speak For God” & I’ll Show You A Person Who Thinks They ARE “God”

This really should be a no-brainer. Ask ten theists what “God” is & you will get ten distinctly different answers.

Ask 10 ardent theists — evangelicals, say — what “God” is and, if you listen really closely, what you’ll get is a person describing themselves. The absolutes and the moral imperatives heavy with the weight of Ultimate Decision-Making which are so far beyond the understanding of mere mortals don’t perturb the uber-religious. You see, THEIR minds CAN parse the subtleties and nuances of Divine Intent. They understand “the code”. They — unlike you or I — communicate with God on a much higher level than mere words. God thinks a thing and voila — it appears magically inside THEIR head so that THEY can dispense it to us.

That is how most theists think. It’s impossible for anyone to contradict them, of course, because no one else can crawl inside their head — the place where these divine messages were generated AND received. They can’t “prove” they DID receive a message but then, in their world, no one has to prove anything. Your word is your bond no matter how nonsensical your word is.

“God told me to do it” goes right back to Abraham coming within inches of sacrificing Isaac — the thing he loved more than life itself (supposedly). It must be “supposedly” because Abraham loved the voice in his head more than his son. He was willing to satisfy the voice’s need for loyalty over his child’s need for Life. This is the angry, self-centered, vengeful and markedly male god at the center of Abrahamic faith.

Even this deity’s “path to redemption” is boiled in blood. His own “son” has to die a horrible death so mankind can be forgiven for the character Eve biting into an apple. Think about the people who insist that these stories, steeped in metaphor and allegory and all kinds of literary device (being written as they were by creative humans) are literal truth. It’s no wackier than someone insisting the every book in the Dr. Seuss canon is literal truth.

The luxury of selling bullshit is that you never, ever have to back it up. There are no warranties, no service contracts. There’s just the sucker you took — their money in your hand and your bullshit in theirs.

Pick a televangelist — Franklin Graham… Kenneth Copeland… Benny Hinn… Joel OSteen… Listen to them get down to business. Listen to how they speak for the deity in whose service they supposedly work. Then actually THINK about it. What did they study to gain this ability? They studied THE BIBLE. They studied a work of literature whose history (how it came together) they probably don’t even know.

In other words — they studied a book of mostly fiction in order to claim expertise on dealing with reality. If the (mostly) men who wrote the texts that, in time, were assembled into the Pentateuch (the OT) and the NT had had access to the internet, if they had had microscopes at their disposal and telescopes — if they had known about germ theory and understood (having seen hard evidence) that the earth was NOT at the center of the Universe — you can bet they wouldn’t have written their texts the way they wrote them because it wouldn’t have made sense to THEM.

The NT & OT texts reflect a great deal of very real (but honest) ignorance. The people who wrote the OT & NT, by the way, didn’t know that more than one continent existed. Hell, they didn’t even know what continents were. If these texts were so divinely inspired, why didn’t the deity who supposedly created the universe have any insight into how the universe actually works?

Every time there’s a hint of “intelligent design” in the mix, we get a strong whiff of how stupid this “intelligent designer” actually is. This guy couldn’t design “hitting water” after falling out of a boat in the middle of the sea. He’s so inept even his union wants him gone.

There’s nothing wrong with taking “spiritual guidance” from the pages of the NT and OT. Personally, I’d say the spiritual guidance those texts advocate is dubious — but that’s just my opinion. The point is, they’re just “guidance” written by people a long, long time ago. People telling you today that those words were literally written by a magical man in the sky — or inspired by him — are bypassing spiritual guidance for ooga-booga.

Spirituality is you and things much larger than you — cosmically larger. How do you see and define that relationship? That’s your spirituality. Even a stone cold atheist, when gazing up at the cosmos, cannot help feeling awe. We live in an awesome universe. It’s so awesome in fact that we don’t even fully understand it yet.

Religion is someone trying to quantify your spirituality. They’re trying to tell you “how” to “practice” your spirituality. But, is that your spirituality they’re talking about — or “theirs”? Trick question — of course it’s theirs! They don’t give a toss about YOUR spirituality. They’re not selling yours, they’re selling theirs.

And they need you to buy theirs because building and maintaining churches is an expensive proposition. They really are black holes of cash. Most religion is trying to get YOU to help pay off THEIR shitty “time share” investment. That takes money. And getting the money it takes to flow in reliably enough requires bodies — paying members in your congregation. Oh — there’s probably a priest or a rabbi to pay for, too.

When televangelist John Hagee looks out at you and implores you to send him money, it’s not because he wants to feed your soul. He’s got expenses. Hard, hard expenses. A bank load that he cannot default on — or else. Or, maybe he’s REALLY rich and owns his own building outright. Then it’s just the upkeep he’s worried about. And his salary.

Ever see this incredible piece of tape where Kenneth Copland explains why this “spokesman for Jesus” needs a private jet to get from place to place? It’s all you need to know about most modern Christianity, televangelism, Kenneth Copeland and bullshit in general.

Look at Kenneth’s eyes in the clip. It’s a great acting job (well, not “great” so much as just an acting job that he’s committed to in his own embarrassingly over-the-top kinda way). Is that a man working in service of a higher power — or does he have it in his head that the reason he can’t fly with “riff-raff” is because GOD don’t fly with riff-raff — and he (make no mistake) is God?

If we take Jesus at his word (meaning if we look at the dozen or so things the various gospels agree Jesus might have said — keeping in mind that none of the actual gospel-writers ever met Jesus or heard his voice or words — one of his core messages is you don’t need a temple or its priests to communicate with God. Any believer can skip the intermediary and speak directly to “The Father”.

If that’s true, then why would one need a Kenneth Copeland or a Franky Graham or any of those sideshow geeks? One wouldn’t. One doesn’t.

One never did. But then, if everyone understood that, Ken & Frank & Benny would all have to find honest work.

What a sad come-down that would be for a mediocre deity.

Show Me A Televangelist And I’ll Show You A Fraud

Sometimes you have to pick the low hanging fruit just to get it out of your face. Televangelists are, by their nature, low hanging fruit. Some televangelists however hang even lower — they’re that rotten. You thought “stinking rich” was just a saying?

There’s nothing wrong with being a writer and selling your books. Even if you SUCK as a writer (like, say, Ayn Rand, L. Ron Hubbard or Joel O’Steen) — if you can (without cheating them beyond selling crap with a straight face) get them to give you their money, good on ya! If you can get mooks to throw dollar bills they need into your over-brimming coffers? That’s pretty good salesmanship. If you can get multitudes to show up at your mega-church or watch your masturbatory stroke-a-thons — you’re a great entertainer.

Any suggestiostion you can help anyone spiritually is Prime Grade A Bullshhit. You’re not interested in anyone’s “spirituality”, you’re interested in their money — because you have to be. It ain’t cheap or easy maintaining a fortune built on other peoples’ gullibility. You have to constantly beat them up to keep the money flowing. You have to keep the bullshit factory inside your head cranking out the bullshit 24/7/365.

Televangelism has nothing to do with spirituality & everything to do with “religion” — especially religion as it’s practiced in America. From the get-go, America has been a place where bullshit prospers and finds a flock. From Mormonism to Seventh Day Adventists to Jehovah’s Witnesses to Pentacostalists to Christian Scientists to Scientologists, bizarre off-shoots of Christianity (in Scientology’s case a bizarre offshoot of one bad writer’s writing) the greedy and power mad have consistently found minds weak enough to gobble down bullshit they’re selling as spiritual fulfillment.

Here’s an interesting list of ten of the wealthiest pastors. There shouldn’t BE any such list — anywhere. “Rich pastor” is a non sequitur. A contradiction of terms. You cannot be rich and be a pastor. By becoming a pastor, you (I know it’s only in theory) told the world that you were modeling your life after Jesus’s. Well, sorry no one told you but Jesus didn’t fly around Judea in a private jet. If he had access to one — he wouldn’t have done it either.

There’s no such thing as a “Prosperity Gospel”. Well, there IS such a thing — it’s an invention of rich entertainers who needed to wrap their success in religious faith in order to keep being rich entertainers. Perhaps there was a moment or two in each of their lives where, on some level, in some way, they experienced a vague desire to “help someone”. Then it passed and they went back to figuring out how to get rich quick.

Joyce Meyer (worth $8 million)… T. D. Jakes (worth $18 million)… Franklin Graham (worth $25 million)… Rick Warren (worth $25 million)… Creflo Dollar (worth $27 million)… Joel O’Steen (worth $40 million)… Benny Hinn (net worth $60 million)… Pat Robertson (net worth $100 million)… Kenneth Copeland (net worth $300 MILLION — and there’s reason to believe it could actually be closer to $750 million!!!)

If your name is on this list and you 1) don’t feel deeply, deeply shamed and 2) haven’t already moved heaven and earth to NOT be on this list, then you are a fraud.

If you’re Kenneth Copeland, you’re a fraud and a crook and a psychopath…

Not a one of these asshats would recognize Real Jesus if they stopped mid-way through nailing Jesus to a cross to spit in Jesus’s eye.

[NOTE: this post has been shared with our sister site Mulligan Jesus — https://wordpress.com/posts/mulliganjesus.com.%5D

Every Evangelical Has A Deep, Dark, Dirty Secret — They All Think THEY Are “God”

Ask ten people what “god” is and you’ll get ten distinctly different answers. That’s not because “god” is such an expansive, all-encompassing concept. It’s because “god” is an “idea” you can alter on the fly. The magical power god has one moment, he doesn’t have the next. Or he chooses not to use them that time though the circumstances are exact.

You know how “god” is — he works in “mysterious ways”.

In fact, “god” is so mysterious that he regularly hires clowns like Kenneth Copeland to speak on his behalf. You remember Kenneth Copeland, don’t ya…?

I keep thumbing through my copy of the NT (I do have one and it is well thumbed through) but, for the life of me, I can’t see what chapter or verse Ken is using here as the basis for his Christian behavior.

I definitely can’t see what, if anything, Jesus said that Ken thinks he’s emulating.

Evangelicals like Ken (like most American Christians) are churchists, not followers of Jesus. They couldn’t pick Jesus out of a police line up — which is exactly where they’d expect to find him. They know for a fact that the LAST place Jesus would ever show up is at one of their mega-churches. Just as well — they’d never let him in.

Pick an evangelical. Listen to them speak. Watch them while they do it. Bore in on their eyes.

See Ken’s eyes? That’s not “madness” shining out of them. It’s the absolute belief that he is god and it is beyond his comprehension that the reporter isn’t bowing down to that fact.

Kenneth Copeland isn’t special. He’s just good at what he does — bamboozling the mooks, half-wits & ignoramuses who keep him well supplied with jet fuel. If any of those mooks, half-wits or ignoramuses could, they’d ask themselves: “How can a follower of Jesus explain the need for a private jet to begin with?”

But they can’t, so they don’t.

Instead, they comfort themselves with their own godliness.