Republicans Are Like A Guy Who’s Had Too Much Plastic Surgery But Doesn’t Know It…

Aging gracefully demands acceptance of certain basic facts. Until or unless we invent some process that reverses aging’s impact on our cells, organs and body parts — in other words, the “cake” that is us — every attempt to alter aging’s real impact on us can only ever be “icing”. You can stick beautiful icing on a rotten cake. It won’t hide the truth for long. The Republicans, unfortunately, did not begin as any kind of “good cake”. Regardless of their political descriptor (“Republican”, “Southern Democrat”, “Dixiecrat”, “Know Nothing”, “States’ Rights Advocate”) anyone sticking an “R” next to their name in the current political environment is making it crystal clear to everyone: they stand with racists. They stand with insurrectionists. They stand with corruption. They stand with a Machiavellian willingness to do literally ANYTHING to not lose an election — up to and including throwing out the results because they went against you. Again. We all see the Republican Party and every Republican in it for the dysmorphic creatures they are. The sad truth is, many of them really do believe that THEY are the ones doing “good” here.

That’s pretty much the same thought pattern as anyone who’s ever looked in the mirror — already a few too many plastic surgeries over the line — and thought, “What I REALLY need is another plastic surgery.” We see the rotten, corrupt, treasonous cake that is the Republican Party for what it is. And we can see the icing for what it is, too. When Republican legislators throw down voting restrictions in the face of an election deemed free and fair, where more Americans voted than ever — and claim they’re battling corruption? That’s them smearing cheap-ass red, white & blue icing over a turd and calling the thing “a cake”.

One of our many problems — why we keep having this problem: our news media’s inability to differentiate between icing and cake. In fact, once the Republican ice their cake? Our news media forgets there’s even a cake beneath the icing. Our news media insists that the Republican cake is whatever the icing says it is. That awful stink arising from INSIDE the cake? No idea what that is. Not a clue (apparently) where the stink is coming from.

If America eats that cake, we’re finished. We’re going to have to fight the urge to even taste it even as our news media drags its fingers across the cake’s toxic surface. “See?” they always seem to say, “The icing tastes fine. We’re sure the cake is fine, too”.

But. deep down, each and very one of these vipers is even exponentially more rotten on the inside than they appear. Each must have a portrait in a closet somewhere like modern day Dorian Grey’s. And, by the way? Sly Stallone has always been an ugly rat bastard. I’ve seen it up close.

Body dysmorphia is a tragic thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone… well, almost anyone. Unfortunately, our Republican chums walk in the door, their dysmorphia cranked up to 11… 12… 13… . The storyteller in me knows that for villains to work, the villain must believe absolutely in their villainy. To them, it’s not villainy. Even Hitler thought he and his cause were righteous. We must remember that. It’s why stopping them and their followers is soooooo bloody hard. Show me a Republican and I’ll show you someone who thinks they’re God. Literally.

And some of these gods? They hate it that aging happens. They tell themselves they’re raging against the dying of the light.

Um, no. They’re fighting reality. Reality always wins in the end. Rot begets rot. Bullshit begets more bullshit. And none of it looks good on anyone.

Icing v Cake

How many times has a cake with amazing icing disappointed because the cake itself — even if it was good — simply couldn’t match the icing’s enticing promise? Or, more basically, how would we feel about being served a piece of cake that promised greatness but delivered its opposite (while making us physically sick)? . Icing’s a great metaphor. It sets up a promise that the cake beneath better deliver on — that’s how “cake” works,. The icing in the brick designed cake above is funny, clever and a great enticement to sample the cake within. But, what if the situation was reversed slightly. What if beneath every bit of icing meant to look like a brick was a real brick? Okay — clever icing but it leads to a terrible final experience — no one wants to eat an actual brick, right? Or, even if we iced the brick with the best butter cream icing available? We can make that brick look incredibly appetizing — until the moment you bite into it and wreck your teeth. Expectation v Reality. And sometimes? Flat out bullshit v reality.

Sometimes we go even further: we sugar coat poison then serve it up to people.

Politics is “Icing v Cake” on steroids. So’s religion. That’s what makes both so vulnerable — the most toxic political or religious cake can be hidden beneath Kool-Aid flavored icing a la Jonestown. Nobody went to Jonestown to die. That wasn’t the “icing” they bought into. They had no idea how diabolically evil a cake Jim Jones was baking for them all. “The Peoples Temple” sounds lovely because it’s icing. Consider what that icing looked like BEFORE the massacre: The Peoples’ Temple that Jones founded in 1955 was racially integrated and counter-cultural; Jones advised his adherents to live a communal, socialist life style filled with shared purpose. Strip away fifty years of accrued cynicism and you can sorta kinda recall how much more “innocent” we were. Innocence and icing love go hand-in-hand. That’s not a knock, it’s just a fact.

Most of the 918 people who died at Jonestown walked in the door expecting one thing — the glorious icing of happiness but, instead, ended up dead because the cake itself was utterly poisonous. Figuratively and literally.

The Republican Party is another “Icing v Cake” situation. Their icing says they’re a political party. The cake beneath is something entirely different. The cake — and we’ve experienced samples of it for five long years now — is flavored with greed and power lust and even treason. The odor it gives off is pure, unadulterated corruption. Our news media however cannot see the cake below the GOP’s deep red surface. To them, it’s just a red cake doing things red cake does. They’ll even ask the red cake how it tastes — not an unreasonable question but you have to know as you ASK the question that the answer is going to be totally biased. “I taste great!” says the red cake even though, fact is, it tastes like an anal wart covered in putrescence.

That’s like asking a racist if they’re a racist. How the hell would the racist know? He’s too much of a racist to give you any sort of an honest answer. Want to know if someone’s a racist or if the cake they made tastes okay? Ask someone ELSE. And don’t ask someone who hasn’t sampled the cake, ask someone who’s experienced racism directly. Even better, ask someone who’s experienced the racist’s racism directly. They’ll tell you — even as the racist shakes his head in earnest denial — not only THAT the racist is a racist, but just how MUCH of a racist the racist is. Racism, of course, is one of the cakes always available in America.

Cleaning up America’s cake is going to take some time. Republicans and conservatives have been hard at work the past decade destroying our pantry, making our stored ingredients vulnerable to rats and roaches and other gnarly creatures. Worse yet, Republicans sold us out to their crazy friend Vladimir. What else are we to make of “icing” that looks as screwed up as this —

Alas, our news media are icing junkies who have a limited tolerance for cake. That’s a product of “both sides do it” journalism which insists that both sides make exactly the same cake; they just frost them differently. That is absolutely not so. Republicans like their cake dry as hell — white as hell, too. Angel food is ideal because it’s white. Any chocolate on it better come from a jar so they “keep a lid” on it at all times. Progressives and most Democrats are far more open-minded about cake. They make a point of embracing all the kinds of cake there are — especially the multi-colored kind with the chocolate icing.

Marie Antoinette famously said (was famously misquoted actually) “Let them eat cake” when told the peasants of Paris were starving because they had no bread to eat. What she really meant, of course, was let them eat icing. Rich Marie knew better than to promise the rabble anything as nourishing as cake.