Noah And His “Kangaroo Problem”

According to a Gallup poll from July 2019, 40% of Americans STILL believe in creationism. A lot of “those people” are the same troglodytes standing between America and its continuing as a democratic republic. A person who genuinely believes in the Genesis creation myth — who genuinely believes that a sky deity created a “Garden of Eden” for the benefit of two human creatures, Adam and Eve, only to have Eve ruin it all by eating a piece of fruit she wasn’t supposed to — is likely to believe literally anything. Clearly, they have no capacity to judge reality. They probably worry that Voldemort is lying in wait for them, too. But then, the Harry Potter stories have as much in common with reality as anything in the Bible does.

Water must have scared the guys who wrote the Bible more than any other natural force. Never mind “dust to dust” or “ashes to ashes”. The guys whose work product evolved into what we now call “Genesis”, imagined a proto-world, pre-creation, as being entirely liquid: “…darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God swept over the face of the waters”. Then, later on, when God gets good and pissed off at his favoritest creation, he uses water to wipe everyone (and everything) except Noah and his clan from the planet’s “face”. Water brought forth life; it could also bring forth death. Ironically, the book’s author(s) may have gotten it right. Life As We Know It on earth probably did begin in the water. But, there were things about the water they didn’t know as they sat down to write: where it “ended”, for instance. Columbus headed east at the behest of Spain in search of where the water “ended”. Columbus hoped to prove that the water ended in India — because the earth is round and eventually all that water had to lead back to a place they KNEW existed — albeit far away.

Now, here’s the thing: the authors of Genesis knew that India existed. Their tribe had trade with Persia and India (they were part of Persian’s “Royal Road” which operated roughly between 500 and 330 BCE) . They might have been aware that China existed (remnants of Chinese silk dating from 1070 BCE have been found in Egypt). They definitely knew that Africa existed. These three continental land masses are call connected, ya see. One could walk from present day Beijing to present day Paris and then to present day Cape Town, South Africa. One could NOT walk however to Chicago. Or to the Sydney Opera House. One could not walk to present day Brazil or take in the Andes.

More recent thinking puts the writing of Genesis (including its version of a flood story) at about the time of the Babylonian exile — around 600 BC. By comparison, the scribes who created the Sumerian flood story in the Gilgamesh Epic began their work around 2100 BC. This text was likely familiar to Genesis’s authors. What was entirely UNfamiliar to them was, say a kangaroo or a koala — animals that existed only on the continent of Australia. If you had shown a picture of a kangaroo to the guys who wrote Genesis, they would have not known what to make of it. It didn’t look like any animal they’d ever seen before. And, when they sat down to write their flood story, when they imagined their character Noah leading two of all the world’s animals into the boat he’d built, two of the animals Noah absolutely did not picture (because the guy writing him couldn’t to begin with) were kangaroos.

For the very same reason, Jesus could not possibly have gone to North America because no one he knew had the least idea such a thing even existed. More to the point, the Apostle Paul did not know North America existed while he was creating almost the entire Jesus mythology. Paul invented Christianity, not Jesus. Jesus had the same knowledge of Christianity (zero) that Paul had of North America. Look, creative people can and do make up some remarkable crap. That goes for people on a spiritual journey too. Goes for them especially.

There’s nothing wrong with the Noah story. It’s charming in its way. There is EVERYTHING wrong with thinking the Noah story is in any way true. It’s a story FFS!. What about fish? What about dolphins? What about creatures that aren’t necessarily animals — like algae. What about viruses and bacteria? It’s genuinely horrifying to know that there are people walking around the planet today who honestly think this could have actually happened..

It’s wrong to think that Jesus actually showed up one day here in North America. When the basis for your belief system is over-loaded with sweet stories you think are true, that’s not a reflection on the stories, that’s all on you. People who insist that their angry, neurotic god Yahweh created everything end up with a throttled, limited view of the world.

But then, look at Yahweh — he’s a being powerful enough to create everything. Yet he obsesses endlessly on humans and all their shortcoming. If humans suck as creatures, that isn’t on them, it’s on Yahweh, their creator. And Yahweh, don’t forget, got completely outflanked in his own creation by both a talking snake and the woman he crafted from Adam’s rib. Yahweh, really, can’t do anything right.

Maybe Noah’s problem isn’t so much that he couldn’t imagine a kangaroo as that Yahweh probably couldn’t.

Storytelling For Dummies (And America’s Main Stream News Media), Part 24: How Villains Work

Villains (and by villains I mean good villains) have to play by certain rules — or they can’t be good villains.

For starters — villains must have a good reason to be villainous. There are plenty of mediocre villains — Bond level villains included — who seem to have no other purpose in life than to achieve world dominance — or, to their dying breath, go after the person preventing them. I’ve never met anyone like that — and I’ve worked in Hollywood.

Voldemort is an excellent villain, for example, because — in addition to wanting ultimate power — he’s a neurotic mess. Being the ultimate power will settle a personal score — and that’s really why he’s doing it. Villains have to be believable characters — believably bad but also believably human.

Think of Kathy Bates’ Annie Wilkes (in Misery). She’s a terrifying villain mostly because she’s soooooooo human.

Good storytelling demands good villains and good villains demand real human traits.

Donald Trump is a villain. For real.

As we’re learning, he’s been a very real villain for a lot longer than either we realized or wanted to admit that we realized. Trump’s a pervert and a rapist. People know these things. There’s always talk. There were always people along Trump’s blighted way who realized who and what Trump was. They let it slide.

Trump became POTUS by cooperating with Russia. Every Trump move since he took the oath of office has weakened America and strengthened Russia. People have died because of this. Died terrible deaths they did not deserve. Trump isn’t the only villain in this story — not by a long shot. Everyone who kept quiet, who knew or even just suspected what Trump was up to owed it to the rest of us to share.

What makes Trump’s villainy so extra awful is that it’s always been so patently obvious. It’s been so obvious, in fact, that it went right by us.

A big reveal is coming. A monster-sized reveal. That it will surprise anyone is tragic: Donald Trump is a traitor.

That it will surprise Americans will be, in large part because our press has been so slow to show up at the treason party. Think about how long it took them to show up for the Russia party. It wasn’t that long ago that some conservative talking heads STILL downplayed Russian influence because Trump did.

Our Main Stream News Media has the remarkable ability to report news — on its very own air — then act as if they’d never reported any such thing. How often do they turn from a story about all the ways Trump acts like a traitor to a story about Trump’s 2020 campaign as if Trump suddenly stopped being a traitor?

That’s the distinct feeling one gets: in the common wisdom, Trump’s only a traitor if they report that story directly. So long as they can weasel word their way around it — his reason is “obscure” — every treasonous Trump move gets chalked up to some other cause. Weasel words are music to a villain’s ears.

Trump has been a racist since birth. As far as I’m concerned, that makes Trump if not a verifiable racist himself, then someone who knows a mess of rapists and always seems compelled to spread racism’s “good news”.

Trump has also been a rapist from the moment he first realized he could score a little pleasure by forcing his teeny-tiny mushroom dick on any woman he wanted. That fact alone should make Trump a card-carrying rapist.

Trump’s also been a misogynist and a pederast and a crook and a traitor. Oh, FFS — and a VILLAIN. His whole life.

And yet — despite this fact, the MSM will have a catharsis shortly — they’ll pass a point beyond which they can’t dither anymore. Trump isn’t just a “different” kind of potus, he’s a goddamned criminal. THAT’S what makes him “different”.

And then the MSM will go apeshit — broadcasting this incredible reveal 24/7 at maximum volume. Donald Trump isn’t just a traitor, he’s a villain!

But, and this is what the MSM won’t get — it won’t mean that Trump “just became” a traitor and a villain, it will mean he’s been one all along.

And that will mean the MSM has gotten that traitor & villain’s story wrong all along. It’s goddamned villainous, I tell ya…