Greetings From Sparky -The Dog That Chased The Car – And Caught It!

Hi there! Sparky’s the name (I’m sparked by my faith that feelings are always better than facts!) and I am the dog that just caught the car!

Yessirree, I am the wind beneath the wings of fifty years of hope that cynically pivoted from fighting desegregation (when that fight failed) to caring ardently about “saving babies” when, up until that instant, Christian fundamentalists had been openly pro-abortion. But, that’s the great thing about feelings! They can pivot just like that! And pivot right back like a hypomanic, bi-polar rubber band – or an untrained dog! Hey, they’re feelings, right? They go where they go and do what they do!

The closest a dog like me will ever get to a fact is when I have a feeling about it. Nine times outta ten – that fact’s making me feel bad. That means the fact can’t be true cause I don’t want it to be. See? Easier than sniffing another dog’s butt!

For fifty years, I’ve been chasing a car: acquiring generational political power by seizing control of the judiciary. Good thing I’ve got pals with lots of kibble in their pockets to buy politicians! Good thing I’ve got pals like Mitch McConnell who love kibble more than life itself. Funny thing? Dogs like me don’t call him “Mitch” McConnell, we call him “Bitch” McConnell.

“Hey, Bitch!” said the Right Wing Money, “Go fetch the judiciary for us!” And damned if that Treason Turtle didn’t hunt better than any ol’ bird dog.

Mitch stood in Barack Obama’s way. He denied him plenty of lifetime appointments to plenty of open federal judgeships. And, of course, there was Mitch’s brilliant denial of Merrick Garland (“too close to the election a year away!”) and quick insertion of Amy Coney Barrett (“never mind the fact that Trump just LOST the election by more popular votes than anyone in history!”). Bitch – er, Mitch – denied the will of the people in favor of the will of his monetary benefactors – the Right Wing Money!

Now, even hounds like us get it that a popularly elected president (never mind ones who win ONLY the Electoral College) represents the Will of The PEOPLE. Via a free and fair election, Americans vote to give the winner the full authority to govern them – to do that very particular hard work in their stead. It’s a pretty bold thing to do – to entrust other citizens with your own concerns about government in a system that’s all about self government. I bet that’s why Americans make the Americans they elect to office take an oath! Imagine what would happen if Americans actually held people taking an oath TO that oath!

Sorry if I’m all over the place – I am a dog after all and this place is loaded with squirrels!

The truth is I couldn’t care less about human babies – or human life for that matter. If I did, I wouldn’t just insist that females of the species carry every pup to term (regardless of how that pup got inside them) because “all puppy life is precious”, I’d do everything I could think of to demonstrate just how “precious” I honestly believed puppy life was by making sure that every puppy-mommy was supported in every she needed – before that “precious life” was born and especially after when the actual “living” has to begin. Puppies don’t stop being puppies just because they’re outside their mothers.

Sorry! Got distracted. Did you see where that squirrel went?

That’s because the thing that motivated dogs like me in the first place – racism – that has never gone away. Heck, it’s always been the whole point of the exercise! Racism’s the ball this dog can happily chase forever (and more covered in drool and ick it is, the more we love it!) If you really want to understand what any conservative wants, just ask em what they want to conserve.

What ball do conservative dogs chase without fail?

If ya stop a second to scratch and lick yourself (partly because ya can), ya realize suddenly (usually mid-lick): “Hey, ya can’t conserve the future – it doesn’t exist yet! That means whatever you want to conserve must be something in the present… or something from the past that still exists in the present – like white hegemony.” Now, granted, white hegemony ain’t what it used to be! Why the hell do ya think all us dogs are howling together?

Dogs and their bones, ya know? We don’t give em up easy. Or without a fight.

Where was I? Oh, right – I caught the car! The thing about working on feelings instead of facts is you don’t plan much beyond your goal. Why would you? The goal is “heaven” if ya know what I mean, and heaven, as everyone who believes in heaven believes, takes care of itself. Why would a dog like me try and tell heaven what to do?

That’s why we made zero plans for what to do once we got to heaven – and caught the car – and jumped behind the wheel of the damned thing.

Apparently, knowing how to drive a car makes driving a car easier. Who knew? Of course, caring about knowing how to drive would probably help too. Did I mention that I’m a dog?

Conservatives believe in the rule of law only so far as it can help them. Otherwise, it’s of no use – unless we can use the rule of law to destroy the rule of law (like a bad dog letting a burglar into the house and then helping him find all the good stuff!). What we believe in far more is “The Law Of Unintended Consequences”. We do stuff and the Law Of Unintended Consequences happens.

What will potentially criminalizing every woman on the receiving end of a load of sperm do? Who knows! But that’s what we’re about to do in half the states – give sperm the power (once injected inside a female by whatever means and regardless of how old the female is) to change a female’s legal status from “individual” to “vessel” with fewer rights than the clump of cells – er, “baby”, I mean – growing inside her. What ripples will that cause?

Did I mention I’m a dog?

You’ll get the same answer if you ask “Are we really going to criminalize every woman who loses a pregnancy – even if it’s entirely natural and beyond her control? What do I look like – a reasonable PERSON? Like someone who isn’t a conservative?


Squirrel photo credit: – Photo 91933999 / Squirrel © Svetlana Foote |

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