Scrunch Or Fold: How You Wipe Your Ass Is Who You Are

Back (about 25 years ago) when my good friend Johnny used to do stand-up, he had a great bit where he’d ask his audience if they scrunched up the toilet paper or folded it neatly before wiping. His point — how you wiped your ass said a “shitload” about who you were.

It was a hilarious bit. I’ve started to wonder suddenly if my friend Johnny wasn’t on to something.

Personally, I’m a fold guy. Scrunching the paper is too much of a “crap shoot” if you know what I mean. I won’t go into the details of “how” I fold — some secrets must die with me — but I know this: Johnny’s right. Me folding my TP — and the way I do it — reflects my inner psychology perfectly.

Being a storyteller, I need craft order out of chaos. Scrunched TP is chaos. Worse, it’s chaos in a place where I really don’t want chaos. There’s a “dark side of the moon” quality to this part of one’s toilet habits. A touch of blind guys trying to make sense of an elephant.

Beginning, middle, end. That’s how my mind works. The thought of all that formless, undisciplined, unscrunched paper horrifies me. I want to look into the eyes of scrunchers and ask what they’re thinking. Surely they don’t think they’re being more efficient! Is it that they trust their hands to “see” what to avoid or do they just not care?

I want to know that they wash their hands even more thoroughly.

I bet Donald Trump scrunches. In fact, I’m certain of it. A mind as disorganized and chaotic as his couldn’t possibly fold. It requires too much attention to detail. Hell, it requires too much attention from a guy who’s never paid any to anything.

The current state of America reflects (what I’d call) a scruncher’s touch.

We’ve wasted a ton of paper but there’s still shit everywhere — not just in and around our ass but all over our hands now and the toilet and the walls. The whole house is caked in shit in fact. Donald’s gonna be right for once — it will take multiple flushes to make this mess go away.

We don’t need to know whether Joe Biden folds or scrunches. But, I bet we’ll be able to make a good, educated guess based on how he governs.

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