If I’m Coronavirus, Donald Trump Is The Best POTUS Evah!

Think of this pandemic from the coronavirus’ point of view. It has one, ya know.

Coronaviruses have been around — infecting humans — for at least 10,000 years. Possibly longer. Ironically, most life on earth may have started out with viruses — simple strands of RNA that, eventually, evolved into us — an incredibly complex, DNA-based organism susceptible to something as simple as a virus.

On the one hand, viruses aren’t exactly “alive” as we humans define it. But then, humans always see things from our limited point of view and assume that’s all there is to see. We see and hear limited light and sound spectra while lots of other light and sound pinballs all around us regardless of how oblivious we are to them. Viruses may not be “alive”, but they have a very specific purpose “in mind”. They don’t exist simply to “be here”, they have an imperative — a purpose that drives them. They need to reproduce.

But, in order to reproduce, viruses need a host. They need some other creature’s DNA. They need to sneak in to their host completely uninvited. Not wanted, in fact.

Once inside, their goal is to make as many copies of themselves inside your cells as they can. They don’t care if they kill you because they can still spread via your dying tissue and ooze. You, the host may die, but the virus will not. It will simply live on in your festering, rotting remains. Viruses are like zombies — brainless and yet single-mindedly driven to turn you into them.

If ever a human being bore all the qualities of a virus, it’s Donald Trump. As former Republican Rick Wilson so aptly put it in his book title — Everything Trump Touches Dies. Trump invades space like a virus. He needs to turn any space he walks into into a celebration of him. He’s remarkably adept at adapting. That’s the advantage to always lying about everything. You can switch directions on a dime without fear of people calling you a hypocrite. Of COURSE you’re a hypocrite. It’s not even worth mentioning anymore!

The moment the press accepted “Mexicans are rapists” and “pussy-grabbing”, we were well and truly infected. Trumpism took out most of the press and it took out the entire Republican Party. Looking back now, all those Republicans running to Trump are a lot like Stay-at-home protestors. They’re incredibly cynical and lot of them are more infected than they know. Worse, they’re spreaders — spreading it to their own.

If I put myself inside a coronavirus’ perspective — I look at those Trump-loving protestors in their protesting clumps with a smile that never quits. It’s not just proximity that’s a problem but duration. Spend a few moments in the presence of an infected person — you may get away with it (so long as you didn’t inhale any of their droplets). Spend an hour in an infected person’s presence — in a confined space — and you’re playing Russian Roulette with a gun with one chamber in it. And the chamber’s loaded.

The reason so many health care front-liners are getting hit and getting hit hard is because in addition to the proximity that allows coronavirus access to them and their bodies, there’s the size of the viral load hitting the front-liners. It’s massive and sometimes relentless. It’s like water pouring into a boat. You can bail and keep the boat from sinking. But if the water coming in is more than the water going out, you won’t keep the boat from sinking for very long.

If I’m a coronavirus, I look at China’s initial reaction (lying about me) with glee. But I look at what Donald Trump did with outright delirium. That’s how happy Donald Trump makes me. China eventually got its shit together and locked its citizens down in a way America couldn’t ever. A third of Americans don’t “do” selfless. They need their haircuts and bars. They need everyone else to know that we’re not the boss of them. If they want to get sick from a pandemic-strength pathogen, that’s their business, not ours.

If WE get sick though, because THEY infected us?

Sounds kinda “viral” in its thinking, no?

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