No one really “recovers” from being sexually assaulted. You can live with it, of course. You can make a kind of uneasy peace with it. But you can never accept that it happened to you.
The disease that comes with being sexually assaulted is believing that you deserved it. That’s what keeps you silent. In my case, I kept it so silent that I almost forgot WHY I had come to believe later in life that every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. I still believed then that being sexually assaulted was my fault.
It wasn’t of course. I was 14. The man who assaulted me — twice — was the religious director at the synagogue where my family belonged. The only thing I did “wrong” was not report him after he assaulted me that first time. But, like lots of victims, I began to question myself. I even questioned whether the assault had actually happened. It was surreal — a grown man rubbing his erect penis between my ass cheeks — through our clothes (he kept his underpants on, ya could say!) while supposedly coaching me on how to perform a haftorah at a Saturday morning Shabbat service. How could those two things go together?
I said nothing after it. That meant that when it happened again to me — when I again allowed myself to be in the same place at the same time as my sexual assaulter — all alone with him — it must have been my fault. Yehuda (that was his first name — he’s died since) knew that I hadn’t told anyone. He wasn’t in jail.
And since I was back — it obviously meant I’d say nothing this time too. I’d keep our secret. The moment that second sexual assault began, I was done. I was deep in both a hurt locker & a self-blame locker. Self-loathing was a natural outgrowth. Mine came within literal inches of killing me.
In getting better — and I am getting better — I have learned that it’s important to see things for what they REALLY are. Yehuda was a criminal perpetrating a crime upon 14 year old me. I was both a victim of sexual assault and a survivor. I have carried the scars with me since it happened. That’s over 45 years. I think we can safely say now that my sexual assault is part of my architecture.
I know with terrible certainty what those feelings are — when that pricking starts on the back of your neck. What I wake up feeling every day — even more so while the Senate Republicans sexually assault the Truth with abandon — is exactly what I felt the second time Yehuda stood behind me and rubbed his erect adult penis between my 14 year old ass cheeks. We are being assaulted.
Sexual assault isn’t “sex” the same way rape isn’t “sex”. It’s a crime of violence committed using sexual means. It’s a man using his penis as a weapon. It’s about power — his over you.
That is exactly what the whole Republican Party is doing to America, to The Rule Of Law, to the Constitution and to every single American who voted against this — in other words THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS.
Don’t give that Electoral College nonsense. Yeah, yeah — Trump, the GOP & Russia gamed our system perfectly. They even told us (focus on PA/WI/MI) to win. Not because they intended to win more votes there but because they knew Russia was going to cheat in every way it possibly could for their benefit.
Why don’t Republicans want the truth to be told? Puh-lease! Because the Truth is, the Republican Party has its pants down around its ankles. It’s got its dick in its hands and is actively trying to force it on us. We keep saying “NO!” and they keep ignoring that fact.
They keep forcing Republican policies they KNOW the majority doesn’t want just like a rapist forcing his flesh into an unwilling victim’s. No means no means NO.
Rapists and sexual assaulters don’t stop being rapists and sexual assaulters just because they can’t rape and sexually assault people 24/7. They have to eat & sleep. They have to pay the rent. But a rapist eating and sleeping — going to his job — is still a rapist. He dreams of rape. He craves rape. Rape is how he solves all his problems.
A rapist feels entitled to rape people.
Just like Republicans feel entitled to cheat Americans from what THEY voted for — and force THEIR awfulness where it ain’t wanted.