The Scene – The White House Private Residence, The Bathroom
Donald Trump, his gold pajama bottoms bunched at his cankery ankles, tries again to squeeze blood from a stone – in this case, a turd from his bloated abused gut. It’s slow going as usual. Donald’s mind wanders (as it does). And a meeting is called…
Donald sits at The Resolute Desk in the Oval Office. He punches the red intercom button.
DONALD – Madeleine — tell everyone to get in here! NOW!
MADELEINE – Yes, sir! On the double!
The Oval Office door opens. In sprints IVANKA. She stands at the door – keeping it blocked for a moment – she looks Daddy dead in the eye as only Ivanka can.\
IVANKA – Ballpark it for me. Is it the Adderall bump?
DONALD – Could be a heart attack coming on for all I know.
IVANKA – Except you don’t have a heart, daddy.
A glance behind. She can’t keep em out much longer. Back to Daddy. She’s feared it might come to this.
IVANKA – This is no time to lose your shit, old man, hear me?
DONALD – (taken aback) What?
IVANKA – You think Uncle Vladimir gives a shit that between your drug intake and the syphilis you’ve got less than half a brain left? The job’s not finished. Our mission is not accomplished. (She can’t hold em back anymore). The Truth won’t set anyone we care about free.
She steps aside, a matador dodging a bull. DONALD, JUNIOR (JR), MIKE PENCE, BILL BARR, MIKE POMPEO & RUDY GIULIANI shove their way in – tripping over the carpeting. They land in a massive heap. Closing the door behind her, Ivanka steps into the room herself.
IVANKA – Get up, you idiots!
JR (from beneath the pile of bodies) – Eric couldn’t make It! He got his head caught in the toilet again.
IVANKA – I’m talking about all of you! I don’t even have balls and I can feel the heat on em. The old Trumpian shit isn’t working like it used to. They’re starting to realize that it’s shit. We need to think of something else before— (she catches herself) – before the fake news gets, you know, too fake or something.
RUDY – Honey, I don’t know how much crazier I can get. That fact that I’m still walking around with a law license makes me want to cry. Good thing we’re all as guilty as we are, amiright? Otherwise I might start to worry one of us might, you know…
Rudy looks around at the others – expecting agreement. No one will meet his eyes.
IVANKA – See the problem, Uncle Rudy?
BARR – Wait a minute – I lied my double-wide ass off for you people! I told factual lies about a document anyone could read to PROVE I lied about it—
POMPEO – Good thing no one DID read it – otherwise we’d all be in jail already.
RUDY – But we ARE getting away with it! That’s all that matters! We do whatever we have to do—
PENCE – Now, hold on there, Rudy – as a person of faith—
An explosion of laughter – that goes on… and on. Mike sighs. Waits for the laughter to stop. It doesn’t.
PENCE – All right, I get it. I’ll shut up about that—
IVANKA – Good, ya sanctimonious prick! I’m sick of reminding you that Paul Manafort brought you to the dance and the second anyone with two brain cells figures out what that means, you’re even more screwed than you already are.
PENCE – It wasn’t nice of the President to throw me under the bus like that – um, with all due respect, Mr. President, of course.
IVANKA – Trust me, numb nuts – you were already under the bus – with tread marks all over your face. (She looks at them all, a mob boss in training; she looks to daddy – a mob boss losing his shit) Do you all not get it? Do you not grasp what the hell is happening here? Daddy is losing his nerve!
She might as well have said Daddy was Hillary Clinton. Suddenly all eyes are on Donald. Donald opens his anus mouth, ready to bluster away. Except instead of words, ACTUAL SHIT emerges from Trump like sausage from a factory.
SMASH TO – TRUMP’S GOLDEN BATHROOM
Turns out Donald isn’t at the White House, he’s at Trump Tower — on his golden toilet. He’s been there for hours, asleep. Donald snaps to so suddenly, he loses his grip on his cell phone which falls right into the toilet bowl – SPLASH!
DONALD – Oh, shit—
Bad enough his cell phone fell into the toilet. Much worse – Donald had been productive in the end. To get his phone back, Donald will have to deal with his own shit.