“Hey, Folks — Franky Graham here!
Is being a ‘Good Christian’ proving to be less personally ‘rewarding’ than advertised? Is following the literal word of Jesus a little more ‘ticky-tack‘ than you bargained for (cause, really, nobody’s following any religion for the ‘rule-following’, amiright, folks?)
Is the thought of having to own up to shit you’ve done enough to make you projectile vomit food you haven’t even eaten yet?
Then step a little closer, Cuz, cos we here at ELMER GANTRY INDUSTRIES have just the thing for Christians who wish being Christian was a little less ‘Christian-y’ (and a LOT less Jesus–y): Say Hello to “MULLIGAN JESUS”!
That’s right — “MULLIGAN JESUS” — our new less ‘judgy’ Jesus. It’s a Jesus who gets it: You didn’t know what you did was wrong — or you knew but, hey, ya got caught. So sue me, Lord! Better yet — Mulligan me!
“And the Lord said, “Consider yourself ‘Mulliganized’! Contrition is for losers!”
So, forget everything you never knew in the first place about the OT & the NT (cause, like most Christians, you’ve never actually READ the book)! We’ve revisited and revised EVERYTHING — OT & NT — and made it better. Cause we “MULLIGANIZED” it.
Here are a few HIGHLIGHTS of The NEW ‘MULLIGAN-JESUS BIBLE’:
For starters — everyone HATES rules, right? There are two kinds of people in the world: those that follow the rules and those that make the rules. The New ‘MULLIGAN-JESUS BIBLE’ says ‘Fuck Rules!’ And that’s why we’ve ‘updated’ those boring old ‘Ten Commandments’ and remade them into —
There’s already a MULLIGAN in the story. Remember the part where Moses comes down the mountain, slabs of stone in hand (what kinda workout was Moses doing?) and he smashes the tablets when he sees the Israelites worshiping the Golden Calf? Moses goes back up the mountain and gets a whole new copy — or, as WE call it — a whole new “MULLIGAN!”
And what is NOAH’S ARK if not ‘The ULTIMATE Mulligan’?
The 10 Plagues? 10 Mulligans! 40 Years wandering in the desert? Mulligan — the Israelites do it in a week now cos they have GPS.
Eventually, of course, Jesus arrives — or, as WE call him now “MULLIGAN JESUS”!
And MULLIGAN JESUS wants you to know — fuck ups are okay with him. Want to commit adultery? Mulligan! Want to shoot someone on Park Avenue? Mulligan! Want to conspire with an enemy state to undermine our whole system of Democracy? Mulligan!
So long as you’re a white guy — and a Christian — it doesn’t make a damned bit of difference what you do.
As MULLIGAN JESUS would say “Mulligan them, father, they know not what they have done…”