Put this in the ‘If ya can’t beat em, join em’ column. Okay — let’s say we’re all wrong here on the wacky left and there IS no there ‘there’ re Trumpian corruption (a complete impossibility, I know but a set-up is a set-up is a set-up) and Trumpism becomes ‘The Norm’. As a kind of ’emergency drill’, I’m going to ‘try it on’.
Turns out? It’s true — Donald Trump DOES corrupt everything he touches. Within a the time frame of a single heartbeat I found myself selling out massively — thinking to myself, ‘Wait a minute — I don’t want to be a sucker here — what’s in it for me?”
And I suddenly saw a way to sell the Golden Rule (It’s TrumpWorld, right – so that tired old thing has been revised from ‘Do Unto Others’ to ‘Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You’). We bring in the kids. We teach the kids how to see the world through a more ‘Trumpian’ lens. And to do that? We TRUMPIFY some of those things the adults who hang with them do when they’re with them — you know — when they READ to their KIDS (something you know goddamned well Donald Trump NEVER did to or for ANY of his children).
Now for my NEXT problem… what will I do with all the money? Never mind about that — we have young minds to corrupt! Let’s start with the TRUMP VERSION of a classic —
“CHARLOTTE’S WEB” is now ‘CHARLOTTE’S WEB of DECEIT’.
Charlotte the Spider now likes only other spiders (she sees them as the ‘white people’ of the animal world) and sees PIGS like Wilbur as, well, ‘pigs’ — inferior animals who deserve everything they get. This is not the ‘nice’, motherly Charlotte the Spider; this spider is angry, anti-social and out for blood. And, for some reason, Charlotte has taken an especial dislike to Wilbur.
To Charlotte, Wilbur is the Ultimate Pig. And for that he deserves to die… When Wilbur is taken to the County Fair, Charlotte goes with and sets up shop in a corner of Wilbur’s stall. While he sleeps, she spins words into her web to draw attention to Wilbur.
First it’s “KILL THE PIG”.
That draws a lot of attention to Wilbur and creates a lot of curiosity around Charlotte; even more so when her next spider web message reads “EAT THE PIG”.
Even more attention gets focused on Charlotte & Wilbur. When Farmer Zuckerman turns up dead Charlotte’s web reads: “THE PIG DID IT”. And damned if the cops don’t believe what they read — cos all the evidence (put together by Charlotte) points directly to Wilbur. The fact that it makes no sense and is physically impossible? Hey — it’s TrummpWorld — fuck things making sense and being physically possible. ANYTHING can happen. Just like now…
Wilbur gets tried, convicted and executed. And turned into bacon. Which Charlotte sits down to feast on and feed to her thousands of angry, equally spider-loving, pig-hating children. The end.
* * * * *
Everyone’s favorite “GOODNIGHT MOON” is now “(KISS YOUR ASS) GOODBYE, MOON”.
On the cover, that sweet little room has just been hit by a NUCLEAR BLAST and reduced to nothing but a pile of charred carbon. The text goes something like this…
“Good-bye, moon. Good-bye sun. Good-bye animals and plants, Good-bye, everyone”.