The next idea in A L’s Pitchin’ Post is based on one of my faves growing up: “HOGAN’S HEROES”…
Except, of course, we update it to NOW — starring MITCH McCONNELL and the whole REPUBLICAN HIERARCHY — and instead of a WWII allied POW CAMP — it’s a FEDERAL PRISON FACILITY where Mitch, et all, are cooling their heels for the foreseeable future.
And, while, in Hogan’s Heroes, the prisoners are smart and the German guards are all dumb — in our version, the PRISONERS are all dumb and the Guards are all smart — like it’s supposed to be.
Ya with me so far, GOP? See? Sounds crazy at first but — it gets even better: The CHARACTERS:
Old Version: Hogan — a deft, clever rapscallion whose every effort is geared to defeating the enemy and getting back home to his family —
Our Version: MITCH — nicknamed ‘TURTLE’ (he hates that — keeps asking for a new nickname but no other nickname ever sticks). A few came close though: ‘FUCKING TWAT’, ‘SHITHEAD’ and ‘HOW DID YOU GET TO BE SO FUCKING STUPID?’
And just as Hogan had HIS ‘team’ —
Mitch has his — including his second in command — PAUL RYAN — (aka ‘DOUCHEBAG’) —
Douchebag is good at one thing — covering his ass. When things fuck up and the Feds come looking for someone to put the finger on? Paul’s always the first guy to point a finger and shout — “It’s him! He’s the one! Punish him!” It’s why his men love him so…
The prisoners goal — disruption and escape. That’s the theory. In practice their goal is to not kill themselves today by doing something stupid. Or get caught — again. Or do something — again — to make it likely that none of them will ever get out of ‘Der Stalag’ alive…
For Hogan and his Merry Band of POW’s — the enemy looks like this:
And the ‘facilities’ look like this —
While Mitch and HIS gang are forced to endure unspeakable hardship while ‘living’ HERE —
“Disruption and escape,” Mitch tells his men — trying to get their attention off the TV or their cell phones…
As our series starts, Mitch has been running POW ops at ‘The Stalag’ (as they like to call it). He’s equal parts short-sighted twit and arrogant dunderhead and can never figure out how Uber Commandant Mueller always keeps five or six steps ahead of him (actually it’s way more steps than that but Mitch can’t count that high) —
Fortunately for Mitch, Uber Commandant Mueller has a lot of other issues on his table and doesn’t get to the Stalag much. Mitch’s day-to-day battles are fought against the ‘Camp Commandants’ — the tag team of Chuck N Nancy
So there ya have it — “MITCH’S ZEROES”. Ya love it, right, Mitch? You love it to death!
Mitch — listen to me — you and politics are kaput. You know it, I know it.
But the end doesn’t have to be ‘THE END’ — not for a ‘talented’ ‘man’ like yourself. Which is why I want YOU to think hard about THIS.
I am waiting for your call, dude…