A Word of Explanation

About a year ago — December 2016 as of this writing — I experienced a Life-Altering Event.  In brief, I nearly snuffed myself.

Long story short (the subject WILL be explored here further — promise — the experience taught me a ton): I survived.  Got better.  Got waaaaaaaaay better.  And I thought it’d be something ‘to talk about’…

Chief among my takeaways:  I had become SOOOO convinced by the Darker Angels of my Nature that I could kill myself — disappear from the lives of my wife & children, from my family and community — with a bare minimum of ‘disturbance’ to anyone.

That, of course, was BULLSHIT.

My family and friends would have been devastated and, had I done it, I would have been an Eternal Dick in their eyes — and rightly so.  What I was thinking at that moment, what I was thinking about myself and my future (that I had none, that I was ‘out of ideas’) — it was ALL BULLSHIT.

And I had nearly bullshitted myself to death.  Talk about a ‘punchline’.

Did I mention the part where I learned a ton?

I realized in the aftermath (once properly medicated with Limotrigine to treat the depression and copious amounts of THC to treat the hyper mania – something else this Blog will spend considerable time shouting about), that I had been (increasingly) seeing the world THROUGH BULLSHIT COLORED LENSES.  And the bullshit was all mine…

Literally — everything I thought and read and watched — I saw it all through a kind of prism where all the angles had been altered ever-so-slightly by bullshit — throwing off the refractions.  You THINK what you’re seing, reading, watching is how it is, but it’s not.  Cos Bullshit.

And, so, I made a promise to myself to crank my Bullshit Meter up to 11.  Higher if possible.  And to keep it on — at 11 or higher — every day.  And (here’s the most important part) — I turn it on myself FIRST.  It is strictly forbidden to pass judgment on other peoples’ bullshit before first coming to terms with your own.

And then a really funny thing happened…

I discovered that if I STOPPED looking at the world through the haze wafting from my own daily output of bullshit, I actually began to SEE the world with clarity.  Remarkable clarity.

I saw everyone else’s bullshit of course.  But what I really saw was the NATURE of their bullshit.

WHY they were bullshitting in the first place — INSTEAD OF TELLING THE TRUTH… And I saw how deeply rooted their bullshit had become in them — just like it had in me.

And I understood WHY people were so willing to believe their own bullshit — EVEN IF IT KILLED THEM…

So here we are…

Did I mention I learned a ton?

 

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