About a year ago — December 2016 as of this writing — I experienced a Life-Altering Event. In brief, I nearly snuffed myself.
Long story short (the subject WILL be explored here further — promise — the experience taught me a ton): I survived. Got better. Got waaaaaaaaay better. And I thought it’d be something ‘to talk about’…
Chief among my takeaways: I had become SOOOO convinced by the Darker Angels of my Nature that I could kill myself — disappear from the lives of my wife & children, from my family and community — with a bare minimum of ‘disturbance’ to anyone.
That, of course, was BULLSHIT.
My family and friends would have been devastated and, had I done it, I would have been an Eternal Dick in their eyes — and rightly so. What I was thinking at that moment, what I was thinking about myself and my future (that I had none, that I was ‘out of ideas’) — it was ALL BULLSHIT.
And I had nearly bullshitted myself to death. Talk about a ‘punchline’.
Did I mention the part where I learned a ton?
I realized in the aftermath (once properly medicated with Limotrigine to treat the depression and copious amounts of THC to treat the hyper mania – something else this Blog will spend considerable time shouting about), that I had been (increasingly) seeing the world THROUGH BULLSHIT COLORED LENSES. And the bullshit was all mine…
Literally — everything I thought and read and watched — I saw it all through a kind of prism where all the angles had been altered ever-so-slightly by bullshit — throwing off the refractions. You THINK what you’re seing, reading, watching is how it is, but it’s not. Cos Bullshit.
And, so, I made a promise to myself to crank my Bullshit Meter up to 11. Higher if possible. And to keep it on — at 11 or higher — every day. And (here’s the most important part) — I turn it on myself FIRST. It is strictly forbidden to pass judgment on other peoples’ bullshit before first coming to terms with your own.
And then a really funny thing happened…
I discovered that if I STOPPED looking at the world through the haze wafting from my own daily output of bullshit, I actually began to SEE the world with clarity. Remarkable clarity.
I saw everyone else’s bullshit of course. But what I really saw was the NATURE of their bullshit.
WHY they were bullshitting in the first place — INSTEAD OF TELLING THE TRUTH… And I saw how deeply rooted their bullshit had become in them — just like it had in me.
And I understood WHY people were so willing to believe their own bullshit — EVEN IF IT KILLED THEM…
So here we are…
Did I mention I learned a ton?